Patrick currently resides deep in the suburbs of Boston, Massachusetts. He sucks at sports, can't play any musical instruments, and suffers from crippling anxiety. In his spare time, he can be found trying to beat his best score at Ms. Pacman or passed out on the couch after a tiring day of Law & Order: SVU reruns. His favorite things include television, music, and comedy. He dislikes almost everything else, especially the Tori episodes of Saved by the Bell.

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Julie Bowen was on the episode of Weeds I watched last night. She played a character who owned her own cheese shop and later sat on a bed of soft Bougon while on the receiving end of oral sex performed by a teenaged pot grower with bronzed butt cheeks. 

While this abomination to the byproduct of coagulated milk was unfolding before me, all I could think was, fuck, I wish my hometown had its own specialty cheese shop; and maybe I should open my own? 

At times like these, I still wish I had lived near that goat farm.

If I ever happen to stumble across a time machine, I’d leap back to the night I first gave masturbation a try just so I could stand outside my bedroom window and let out one of those snickering Nelson Muntz-like laughs. 

I read this article about a mother-son duo who suffocated to death trying to rescue a mobile device that had plummeted into the noxious underbelly of an open pit toilet. First, I was horrified; and then I realized that I am more than likely twenty-four hours away from this happening to me.